A Major "Dad Moment"

I was proud to have been a participant in a major "dad moment" this past Father's Day. This was the second Father's Day without Dad, but his memory is never far away from my mind. As we were eating lunch, Chase dropped his entire plate of food down his once clean "church" shirt. Food splattered against his clean church pants. I, sitting next to him, also absorbed the french fries, hot dog, ketchup, and mustard on his plate. I just stared at my son for a couple of seconds; unsure of how to handle a crowded restaurant and a suddenly messy 7-year-old boy. The waitress immediately came and supplied napkins. Rachel blushed and looked out the window. Eli laughed, and Brooks dipped a piece of his chicken into the ketchup that was spilt on Chases' shoulder. As I studied the situation, Chase began to sniffle back tears.

I suddenly remembered one of my own Father's Day mishaps when I was a kid. When I was 10, I couldn't think of a better Father's Day present than for my father to take me fishing. That was my present every Father's Day until I became a young man, but I think Dad really enjoyed it as much as I did. It slowly became a Father's Day tradition that we caught our best fish on that day, although I was actually a horrible fisherman. While we were on the water, I finally hooked a "big one." I could feel it through my fishing rod and into my palms, and I knew I was going to make Dad proud. All of a sudden, the fish won. I broke the rod, and I fell into the water. I panicked, and Dad jumped in to "save me". I felt like I ruined Father's Day. We went home, dried our clothes and bodies, and I just sat in my room thinking I had just disappointed my hero. A few minutes later, Dad knocked on my bedroom door. He came inside, sat down on my bed, and told me he loved me. He said, "they're just clothes, Joseph." My shame melted away, and I hugged my father.

Sitting at the restaurant, I looked at Chase. His bottom lip was quivering, and he was holding back his tears with a hand to his forehead. I hushed the other kids, and I took Chase to the restroom. I evaluated his condition there, and I soon realized that we'd have to just go home so that both of us could change into clean clothes. As I was wiping his arms and face free from ketchup and mustard, Chase sniffled, "I'm sorry, Daddy." I kissed Chase's head and said, "they're only clothes, honey." We eventually left the restaurant with five boxes of food; with Chase and I wearing the rest.

Thank you, Pop!

Joe

I sometimes wonder if I'll die a miserable, lonely, old man. For some particular reason, I can't fathom myself moving on in that department. Part of me doesn't want to, and the other part of me is scared of that plunge again. I have my kids. I have my life wound tightly within their own lives. When they eventually leave this home, I'll be lost. God, let time slow down.

Joe

It has come to my attention, thanks to Beth, that I haven't updated this place in awhile. Summer is always a busy time around here. I suppose there is need for an update.

Rachel went away to camp again this year. She is becoming an amazing young woman; something I don't completely understand, but I welcome with a grateful heart. She came home with several stories, and she's anxious to go back next year. She will be a freshman in high school when school begins later this month. The days pass too quickly. She is beginning to look so much like Faith did when she was Rachel's age. We talk more, and I credit a very special woman who has stepped in to guide Rachel through this changing time in her life. Jean, along with her husband, have really provided Rachel an outside outlet when "Dad can't fix it."

Eli went away to camp too this summer, although his camp was local. He enjoyed the overnight opportunities, and he made a few new friends. Now, I can't seem to get one of those new friends out of my house. Eli will be going into fifth grade this year. He continues to read each and every book about outer space and astronauts that you place in front of him, and he's even begged me to attend a shuttle launch in Cape Canaveral. He's become quite a ballplayer as well. He led his team in RBI's this past season.

Brooks' cast has been removed, and he's back to his usual self. He will be in fourth grade this year, and he's excited to have the same teacher that Eli had last year. That's the only positive feeling he has right now about school. He's at that age where he feels he could survive without school because he's going to be in professional baseball one day. He's turning into such a little me. I was shuffling through pictures the other night, and I found one of me when I was around Brooks' age. The similarities were striking; poor kid.

Without trying to brag, my cape isn't completely torn with my older boys, but it's tattered. With Chase, that cape is still bright red. All of the kids have been protective of me over time, but he's become very protective. We've had our talks about that. Later this month, I will give him away to the wide and open world of first grade. Neither of us are prepared. My greatest fear is that I will let out the stress through work again. I don't want to do that. He's looking forward to flag football and future Little League, and he's excited to finally be a "four-footer." We reached that level earlier this year.

I'm so proud of all of them, and I'm humbled to be their daddy. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world to know that these four lives will enter this world someday and really make a difference.

As for me, there will always be days when I wake up lonely. I have come to believe that there will be days when I just wake up with a sinking feeling, and some of those days will occur for the rest of my life. It will be five years this September since I last saw my wife and daughter. It will be five years since I last kissed my wife; last held my little girl. It will be five years of constant solo-parenting. It will be five years of trying to provide double the hugs, double the kisses, double the talks, and double the love. I just can't bury my head in the sand next month. Life continues to move forward, and this family will continue to move forward too.

On the behalf of my children, I'd like to thank you for the comfort and strength you have given to each of us. Pop would have been so humbled to see that love and support. As Paul said in Philippians, "For me; to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Pop's gained the sight of His Kingdom now, and he has heard those words he waited so long to hear; "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

It's been four days since the funeral, but it already feels like an eternity has passed by us. He's home; he's free. Thank you, again, for your comfort.

One of Pop's favorite hymns was "The Old Rugged Cross." He heard the song, and it brought tears to his eyes. My nephew sang this song for him on Thursday. God bless.

Joe


The Old Rugged Cross

"On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown."

Chase rode his Spiderman bike today without training wheels! We took them off, at his request, and he was a professional out there this afternoon. He fell down twice, but he got right back on the bicycle. By the end of the afternoon, he was riding without falling. His balance was steady, and he was so excited! The process appears to be over; after months of bumps and bruises. He found inspiration, and he didn't stop until he rode with confidence. One day, it's a bicycle. You blink, and it's a car. I'm so proud of our kids.

Joe

This Thanksgiving, there was an awful lot to be thankful for as we all gathered around the table. I am thankful for an amazing Lord. He has risen me from the depths of frustration and grief to the peaks of happiness and forgiveness. As Paul said in Romans 5:3-4, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." This family has suffered so much in these past few years, but we have have persevered as a strong unit. Without my faith, I would be floating on the breeze right now.

I am also thankful for a wonderful mother, father, and three sisters. I had to put up with a lot of torture as a boy with the three of you, but I will never find a group of ladies in this lifetime who will stick up for me the way you always did in the past and always will in the future. We were blessed to grow up with two loving parents. The lessons I am passing on to my children today; they stem from the lessons those two taught us when we were younger. Be respectful. Work hard. Love like there's no tomorrow. I could not have a greater role model, Dad, than you.

I am thankful for the love of an amazing woman. I didn't deserve that amount of love, but she gave it anyway. I miss her so much. I miss her laughter, smile, voice, and even her tears. I miss the way she smiled and crinkled up her nose when I took my shirt off; showing me that she didn't think 35 was old. I miss her holding our babies right before sleep. I used to lie awake; listening to her sing to our kids over the baby monitors. On some nights, I even fell asleep to that sweet voice. I just miss every detail of her character and beauty. I am so thankful that God allowed me to be that close to perfection; even if only for eighteen years.

I am thankful for the kids that Faith and I created together. They are terrific kids, aren't they, Pop? We can't wait until your arrival next weekend. Even fourteen years ago, there were no kids. God then blessed us with five little gifts. I don't know why God chooses to do what He does sometimes, but I suppose He needed one of my gifts to wait for me in Heaven. I will await patiently the day when I will be able to see my precious little girl again. My kids just mean the world to me, and I am so happy that I get to be their Daddy. It's the greatest feeling on Earth.

I am thankful for friendships I have made along the way in my 42 years, and I am also thankful for a community of believers that we have grown to love over the years. God has blessed us tremendously. Even through the hardships, the suffering, and the grief; we have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.

Joe

Something unexpected happened a couple of days ago. I lost my wedding ring. I feel completely naked without it on my finger. I twist and grab at my ring finger, mostly out of habit. It's not the money that concerns me about losing the ring. It's not even the ring itself. That circle of jewelry was chosen specifically by her. She placed that ring on my finger herself. As you know, and Faith made well aware, I didn't wear a ring for our first ten years. Now, I can't imagine my finger without it. I have re-traced my steps and combed this house, but I can't find that ring. I'm sorry, Honey.